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Private Agencies & Foreign Adoption

For Sheryl and Jerry Ferro of Orlando, Fla., adopting through the state of Florida worked beautifully. They added birth siblings Sheri, now 11, and Jacob, 8, to their family in 1997.

"What an impact they've made on our lives!" said Sheryl. "I feel like our life is complete now, that we've come full circle."

The road the Ferros traveled was bumpy at best. Jerry has spinal muscular atrophy and uses a power wheelchair, but it was primarily because of Sheryl's infertility that they decided to adopt. They researched and spoke with several public and private adoption agencies and organizations before proceeding with Florida's Department of Child and Family Services.

Earlier inquiries with a church-related agency led to closed doors. "Catholic Social Services cited our age [mid-40s] as well as my diagnosis as reasons for denial," said Jerry. Church-sponsored agencies also often require parents to become church members if they aren't already.

They also ruled out adopting a child from another country. "The more we uncovered about foreign adoptions," added Sheryl, "the more horrifying that scenario became as well."

Typically, a foreign or international adoption price tag is between $20,000 and $30,000 per child. Although newborns are more readily available in other countries, the costs of fees and travel make international adoptions prohibitively expensive for people with disabilities who live on limited incomes. On the up side, international adoption agencies often are more flexible with their criteria and the wait for an infant is far shorter (one year) than with U.S. private adoption agencies (one to five years). Local requirements must be met as well as foreign agency requirements, however.

What Makes a Good Parent?

Child and Family Services asked for a letter from Jerry's physician stating he was capable of parenting and that his diagnosis wouldn't interfere with his ability to be a good parent. (All prospective parents are required to supply medical information.) The Ferros encountered no resistance from their own families about their decision to adopt, although Jerry sensed some concern regarding the impact parenting might have on his medical condition.

There's no standardized tool for assessing parenting ability so the adoption process has plenty of room for subjective judgment. In the absence of good objective measures, the burden lies with the prospective parents to educate social workers and agencies about their abilities and the positive aspects of living in a family with a member who, for example, uses a wheelchair.

In this regard, Jerry was in his element. In addition to being a musician, he has a private practice as a licensed mental health counselor.

Another advantage of state adoptions is that the process is protected by the Americans with Disabilities Act. Title II of the ADA gives people with disabilities the right to apply to adopt, fully participate in the adoption process and be given equal consideration. ADA doesn't, however, guarantee an adoption. It only guarantees your foot (or wheel) in the door. Then it's up to you to educate the agency about who you are and why you'll make an outstanding parent.

Private agencies, which are usually of a nonprofit or religious nature, are exceptions to the ADA rule. When a private agency has religious sponsorships, ADA provisions (in Title III for private entities) don't apply.

According to a 1996 report by Through the Looking Glass, a national resource center for parents with disabilities, the biggest concern agencies seem to have with regard to placing children with disabled parents is the parents' ability to provide basic physical care for a young child. The report cites feeding, bathing, dressing and diapering as greater concerns to agencies than meeting a child's emotional needs when a parent has a disability.

"We bypassed all that as it turned out," Jerry said of the early care, since their children were older.

However, Through the Looking Glass reported, agencies that had placed children with disabled parents before 1991 overwhelmingly said they'd be more likely to do so again.

In researching adoption providers, you may want to inquire how many applications from disabled people the agency has taken and how many of those resulted in placements. Tracking records aren't always kept but even the agency's reaction will give you a sense of its attitude and education on the matter.

Another plus the Ferros found in Florida's state adoption program is that it includes a college tuition reimbursement plan. As long as their children attend a college within Florida, the state will pick up the tab.

The Lucky Ones

The Ferros report that the process, all in all, went smoothly. The state agency matched them with Sheri and Jacob, and after their application packet had been approved, they went to meet the kids.

"That was terrifying!" Sheryl said. "But now it feels like we've always been together." Not that it was always so easy.

"The year before our final placement was our 'honeymoon period.' Then everything just hit the fan ... tantrums ... fights... I was half expecting Sheri's head to totally rotate like in 'The Exorcist.' I thought to myself, Sheryl, what did you do to deserve this? I really wondered if I had bitten off more than I could chew."

Jerry added, "At that point it was critical for us to make the children realize just how much we loved them and wanted them to be in our lives."

The biggest change in the Ferros' lives since they became parents is the unpredictability of schedules and routines, and their lack of time spent as a couple.

"Schedules are out the window," said Jerry. "You have to be flexible when you're a parent because things come up, appointments need to be changed, plans altered."

Sheryl said, "My first responsibility will always be to Jerry. It's because I love my kids that my relationship with Jerry is the most important thing. We have to make time for each other. Without that foundation our family wouldn't stick together."

Jerry explained, "We went into the process with the mindset of being open to any child. The fact that our kids are older than some people may feel is desirable for adoption makes no difference. They're perfect for us.

"A lot of people respond to our adoption saying, 'Aren't they lucky to have been adopted by you?' They have it backwards. We are the lucky ones to have them as our children."

A State of Mind

Teri and Danny Parks credit part of their success with their twins to the M.A.P.P. program, part to their family counseling sessions and most to the adaptability inherent in young children.

Teri's family had been concerned that the added stress of two young boys with "special needs" would heighten problems with her MS. But, she said, "That hasn't been the case. You shouldn't feel prohibited from adoption just because you have a progressive disability."

With careful medical management and a reduced work schedule, she's an active mother. "There's just something about being happy that I feel cures whatever ails you." Her parents are heavily involved in the children's care, keeping them for a day and night on weekends.

As Teri attested, parenting is a state of mind more than of body. This fact became evident during my two-hour visit to their home, during which Teri did most the talking while Danny chased after the boys.

For the record, water was spilled three times; a child slid in the water once; Keith was hit in the face with a plastic bat during water T-ball; they asked for apple juice six times and were told no six times; they asked when their hot dogs would be ready five times; one ice cream cone landed on the kitchen floor; they crawled into their parents' bed with chips and crackers after a session of jumping on the bed; they kicked over the pets' food dish twice; the cat was saved from strangulation once; their new stereo curiously quit working ("I think that's just a coincidence," Teri said reassuringly); and collectively the boys experienced 11 time-outs while their parents had none.

On the up side, Kenny serenaded me with his rendition of "You Can't Roller Skate in a Buffalo Herd." And Keith told me their mommy and daddy were the best in the whole world "because they love us back."

Questions & Answers

Michael and I adopted Lee through the state of Tennessee, under a closed adoption process. When he was born in 1990, we had very limited information about his birth parents and virtually no medical information, which was a huge disadvantage. Our son's birth mother did, however, have the right to dictate specific criteria as to the adoptive parents of her infant and in this we were blessed. She only requested that we be college educated and of the Caucasian race.

With all the negative factors other agencies had thrown back at us — such as our age (30s), self-employment history (my husband is a drummer and I'm a free-lance writer) and my LGMD diagnosis — and the pressure of competition from daily classified ads by other prospective adoptive parents, these simple criteria by the birth mother were a true godsend.

So was our willingness to consider any child the state recommended. When asked by the Department of Children's Services what race we preferred, I wrote down "human." Evidently that was the correct answer.

Our son is of Cambodian and Chinese descent while we're Caucasians. Even now, most agencies tend to prefer same-race adoptions although they are loosening up. When we adopted in January of 1991, transracial adoptions were rarer.

It was also a distinct advantage that our son was born healthy, although premature. He weighed only 5 pounds when we first brought him home at 6 weeks old.

Although he grew quickly, his small size enabled me to lift and carry him independently until he was old enough to crawl, climb and eventually walk. When necessary, I pulled him around the house in a portable baby bathtub, but that wasn't needed long.

I changed him and dressed him on the floor, and at times we napped there until "Papa" came home to assist us. You do what's needed to get the job done — how isn't that important as long as it's safe.

Our pediatrician now feels our still growing "baby boy" will likely top 6-foot-2 by adulthood. Guess we've done something right!

Our son has grown into a very confident and capable youngster, but I feel his best traits are his sensitivity toward all people and in particular his empathy toward individuals with disabilities, older people or anyone who drops a pencil or requires a door to be held. Those are very special qualities that I don't believe he was born with.

When a judge finally orders your decree of adoption and the state issues a new birth certificate for your child with your name(s) listed as parent(s), all the questions and obstacles and paperwork will be a moot point, a very small blip of time in the great adventure of parenthood.

The very best advice for anyone with a neuromuscular disease who dreams of becoming a parent comes from a special 9-year-old named Lee Blaustone. He said to tell you, "It doesn't matter if you're not as strong as other parents. You can still be with your children, have a good time with them and love them."